


Anything Yours Can Do

by Esperata



Series: Forever Returns [6]
Category: Batman (Movies 1989-1997)
Genre: Arguing, BatCat, Bragging, F/M, Guess which wins, M/M, Relationship Comparisons, Riddlebird - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata
Summary: Helping Batman out was supposed to be a bit of fun. So how did she end up arguing with Riddler over who had the best lover?
Relationships: Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Series: Forever Returns [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597003
Comments: 17
Kudos: 122





	Anything Yours Can Do

Restrain the Riddler. Don’t let him get away. The very fact she’d been commanded, as if she were some sort of obedient lackey, urged her to side step the instruction. To teach Batman how a cat would obey, in a manner of speaking. So instead of chasing and tackling the costumed criminal, as perhaps would have been expected, she chose option B.

“Just what do you see in that waddling jailbird anyway?”

The question brought Nygma literally skidding to a halt, feet slipping on the roof asphalt before he spun back with an affronted look.

“I beg your pardon?”

Selina reclined herself casually and unthreateningly against a chimney stack, doing her best to look bored and disinterested.

“Cobblepot,” she clarified, as if there could have been any doubt. “I mean, I know you’re not exactly the hottest stuff yourself but him?” She gave a theatrical grimace and shudder.

To her private delight it brought her Nygma’s full attention and he strode back towards her a couple of paces, finger raised emphatically.

“Okay, point one? You’re clearly jealous. You only wish you could pull off this sort of form fitting suit.” He posed dramatically, one leg extended as his hand ran down his thigh. “A Catwoman who doesn’t wear a catsuit? Clearly a case of embarrassment over your poor physique. And sister? That lack of confidence is why you could never score a catch like Oswald.”

“Excuse me?” She found herself echoing his earlier surprise. “You think _I’m_ somehow not worthy of _Penguin_?”

“ _Obviously_.” He rolled his eyes. “And you know it too, that’s why you’ve settled for the Bat.”

The last word was bit out like an invective. If Selina had been focused she would have realised she needed to keep his mind off Batman while the vigilante took care of Penguin. Luckily, even though she was distracted, her instinctive response was still sufficient to keep Ed’s attention on her.

“Just how do you conclude I’m settling? In what conceivable way is Oswald Cobblepot more of a catch than the Batman?”

He tilted his head sympathetically at her.

“Poor deluded girl. You really are in denial aren’t you? Very well, I’ll explain.” He spun and took on the aspect of a lecturer. “I’ll start with something a thief like you should appreciate. Money is no object to Oswald. Anything he – or I – want, we can have.”

She couldn’t help but laugh at that and relaxed again, crossing her arms as she smirked at him.

“You really think Batman isn’t wealthy?” she challenged. “All those toys and gadgets? The car? Things like that don’t come cheap.”

“Ah, but he has limitations doesn’t he? I bet _he_ wouldn’t get you the biggest, rarest emerald ever discovered just because you want something pretty to jazz up your cane. He probably doesn’t even let you filch the pens in banks. He’s such a killjoy.”

Her attitude had shifted from comfortable to defensive as her muscles tensed ready to retaliate, even though her pose hadn’t changed. She couldn’t deny the accusation, and it would be ridiculous to argue about legalities, so she brought up a counter point.

“Lucky I’m self-sufficient then isn’t it? I’m looking for something other than a sugar daddy.”

If she’d hoped he’d be offended at the implication then she would have been disappointed. Ed merely grinned at the term before continuing on.

“Oswald’s so much more than just a generous provider,” he purred. “And he’s attractive enough not to have to pay for it.”

The noise that escaped her at that was a cross between a startled hiss and a choked laugh.

“ _Attractive_? In what possible sense? And you can’t seriously be claiming he’s more attractive than Batman! The man’s the epitome of tall, dark and handsome!”

“Pfft. How can you possibly know how attractive or not he is? All you can see is his chin!”

She arched a disbelieving eyebrow.

“You have seen the man haven’t you? Chiselled abs, huge biceps, a chest so firm you could bounce coins off it-”

“That’s the suit!” he interrupted irritably. “He could mould whatever shape he wanted into it. And he chose the most stereotypical, done-to-death, media approved physique imaginable. Which just shows the unimaginative state of his mind.”

Selina’s good humour had returned with the amusement that came from hearing Riddler state he thought Penguin was more handsome than Batman. The guy truly was a nutcase. She’d also recalled her original purpose and realised her unconventional plan was working perfectly. It was all she could do to restrain her smirk as he pressed on with his argument.

“There’s no-one so intelligent as Ozzie, besides me of course. The way he can think through a problem and come to the most inspired, brilliant solutions is breath taking.”

If he weren’t standing on a rooftop she felt sure he’d have cradled his head in his hands and drifted into a daydream given his enraptured tone. Her unimpressed snort broke the spell however.

“Yeah, really intelligent. That’s why his plans are always unravelled and foiled by… now let me think… oh yes, Batman.”

The snarky remark earned her a glare.

“At least mine is verbose,” he challenged. “Eloquent and silver tongued. He talked his way into position as Mayor after all.”

“Which shows he’s good at spouting hot air,” she rebuffed. “With words, a little can go a long way. Batman only says what’s truly important.” 

“Ah but in subterfuge a surfeit of language makes wonderful camouflage!”

“Or you could just say nothing at all!”

They both realised they were glaring heatedly at each other and started at almost the exact same moment. As Catwoman inhaled to regain her poise, and remind herself she was dealing with a certified madman who she shouldn’t allow to rile her, Edward clearly decided to pick up a different track. An irrepressible grin spread on his face as he clearly thought of what he considered to be an unassailable point.

“How about this then, Ozzie is a recognized animal lover. Doting on all his birds. Can you honestly tell me Batman has pets?”

“No,” she conceded before adding “but he did look after my cat for me. He’s not cruel.”

“How noble of him. Willing to pet sit for his girlfriend. Now Ozzie is devoted to ensuring his penguins’ welfare. He makes sure they know where to get food regularly in the river. He trains them to ensure they’re mentally stimulated. Sometimes he just plays with them. It’s so cute. He’s utterly adorable!”

Selina had held her tongue as Ed relished his seeming victory over the bonding with animals. Now however she felt compelled again to challenge his conclusion.

“I’ll admit that playing with penguins sounds cute. And if that’s what you want in a lover…” she left that sentence on a shrug before stretching languidly. “As for me? I prefer a strong partner.”

“Oswald’s strong!”

She made her eye roll as dramatic as possible.

“Batman’s beaten your scrawny ass countless times Nygma. And Penguin’s. And mine.” She smirked. “Although not always in a _bad_ way.”

It was a tactical error. She realised that as soon as she saw the leer appear on his face. He didn’t give her a chance to cut him off though.

“Oh really? Well has he ever broken the bed as he forgot his own strength?”

“Eww. TMI Nygma.”

“I haven’t even started!” he insisted delightedly. “The man is a sex god, with the stamina of an icebreaker and all the power of a jackhammer.”

Her nose wrinkled as she tried hard not to picture either of them naked and going at it.

“And his tongue,” Ed continued relentlessly. “You would not believe how long and firm it is. I swear sometimes you’d mistake it for a lesser man’s-”

“Enough!” she snapped, shocking him enough to momentarily halt the tirade of lustful over-sharing. Quickly she drew herself up with an air or self-righteous superiority, determined to put a stop to his triumphant attitude.

“Some of us,” she said pointedly, “are looking for something a little more meaningful than a decent tumble in the sack.”

“Decent?” he grumbled. “Try world shattering, awe inspiring, astonishing, stupefying-”

Again she spoke over him, knowing too well how long he could continue reciting synonyms.

“Some of us,” she repeated, “are focused on the long term commitment. Building a solid relationship, not content with a flash in the pan, but expecting to be in it for the long haul. For better or worse. Having each other’s backs.”

The declaration reaffirmed her own priority as she recalled how she was even now working with Batman to bring in these two renegade criminals while they were currently divided and fending for themselves. She thought by Ed’s sudden blank expression that she’d finally won their debate too. Not that that mattered to her. Except in a very small part of her that was purring with pride.

“Long term commitment, huh?” he eventually muttered, nodding almost to himself.

She inclined her head graciously, willing to refrain from rubbing the victory in his face. Then she noticed he was subtly working his left glove off and she immediately tensed for an attack.

“You know, I’d like that with Ozzie too,” he carried on blithely. “Although I admit, I rather thought he was out of my league, being as he was born and bred into greatness while I was a late bloomer. But you know what? I _am_ finally worthy of him.”

He defiantly raised his uncovered hand, back to her, and grinned ferally. For an instant she did nothing as she waited for the big reveal. Then he wiggled his fingers impatiently and her eye finally focused on the point he was making.

“You’re _engaged_?!”

“Yes!” he screeched excitedly, hopping from foot to foot. “He proposed! And _of course_ I said yes! Can you believe this ring though? Os actually _traded_ for it. But isn’t it _perfect_?!”

Even in the muted light of the city’s night, Selina could see the sparkle of a green gemstone framed by two darker stones. The thief in her itched to grab it but the woman was achingly jealous. Why should a freak like Riddler get a pretty engagement ring from his boyfriend before she got one from hers? She had to have known Batman longer than he had known Penguin after all.

In her distraction she almost missed the approaching noise until it was upon them. It was immediately recognisable to her and she looked beyond Nygma to see Penguin’s umbrella powering its way up over the side of the building. Ed instantly turned and pranced over to meet him.

“Batman dealt with?” he confirmed as Oswald himself appeared in their line of sight.

“Of course. Well done for keeping the Cat out of the way.”

Edward wrapped his arms tightly around his fiancé, letting the impetus from the whirling blades carry them both upwards off the roof. Casting a smug look back to Selina he called out,

“We’ll send you an invite!”

She frowned irritably as the happy couple disappeared into the night, her mood not improving any as a dark shape catapulted over the side to join her.

“Selina? I thought I asked you to hold Riddler?”

“I am not your dutiful dog to command.” She turned and pressed an insistent finger into the rigid Kevlar of his chest. “If you want me to work _with_ you, I suggest you work on your co-dependency skills. I do not expect to have our relationship shown up but _that_ ridiculous duo.”

“What does our relationship have to do with anything?”

“You’re a detective,” she sniped, sashaying to the roof edge. “Figure it out.”

And so saying she dived back into her independent life.


End file.
